Tuesday, March 17, 2009

it's coleslaw bitches...

i hate when people say "co-slaw" instead of coleslaw...i mean, there's an L in there...not sure if you got the memo, but yeah...last time i checked there was, and i'm pretty sure they don't change that sort of thing often...anyway, i'm probably making a mountain out of a mo-hill, but whatev..

get it? a mo-hill? its funny because...ahh nevermind..

Thursday, February 14, 2008

I was thinking to myself..

 

maybe i shouldn't take existential cues from fortune cookies. yet its amazing how much weight i put in those funny little strips of paper, carrying them around in my wallet like they're words from God himself. imagine the look of utter dismay a few weeks ago when i opened one only to find it was empty..EMPTY?!?!? i hope the 8 year old sweat shop fortune stuffer in some third world country is proud of his little prank. as the emaciated little brat gnaws on an old piece of shoe leather trying to extract some nutritional benefit, i hope he takes pleasure in the emotional distress that i was put through due to his carelessness. he'll probably never know the amount of pain i suffered that day...

 

imagine the scenario..upon filling myself to the point of gluttony, and still only halfway finishing my honey seared chicken, i allowed lupe the dish girl to come and throw the remainder in the trash, then went back for what must've been my 5th cup of tea. after adding the amount of zero calorie sweetener necessary to achieve the perfect balance i returned to my table. i then opened said fortune cookie to find absolutely nothing inside...i cried out in a gluttonous rage, "DAMN YOU SWEAT SHOP FORTUNE STUFFER!!!" and then i went home and cancelled my feed the children membership that i so faithfully contributed 9 cents a month to for at least 3 or 4 months. that's the last cup of rice they'll get from me!

 

and now i'm left here in a fortuneless existential funk. sure, i'm saving 9 cents a month, which translates into about $1.08 a year, but that $1.08 will never make up for the fortune i lost that day. you might think i'm being absurd, but without these fortunes my life loses all meaning. i mean, without these fortunes how would i know that i will one day accomplish what the force of many cannot? how would i know that a quiet evening with friends is the tonic for a long day, or that in dreams and in life, nothing is impossible? how would i know that nothing beats the egg rolls? that's exactly the point...i wouldn't.

 

god...why am i still up..

Saturday, November 17, 2007

this fairy tale life..

i live in a box. every morning i get up and leave my box to go sit in a much smaller box. in exchange for this i'm given numbers. i take most of those numbers and give them to someone i've never met so that they won't come and take my box away. and at the end of the day as i survey all that i've accomplished i think to myself...."well done sir, well done."

Monday, October 1, 2007

if you don’t know about thorium shells, you’re a douche

so i'm sitting here in my room and i'm listening to my brother and his friend sean playing world of warcraft in the other room. i've never been much for video games, but my brother and his friends are WAY into them..i always think its so funny because they treat it like its reality. so i'm sitting here surfing the net, and i hear this conversation from the other room:

 

dave: i should get some thorium shells...

 

sean: naw man, thorium shells are old news...

 

apparently i'm way out of the loop, because i've never heard of, or owned a thorium shell. hell i've never even seen one! i find all this so humorous and i don't know why, but i just can't get over how people treat this video game...it just blows my mind..

Thursday, September 27, 2007

now THAT'S comedy!

i love feedback almost as much as britney spears loves showing off her nasty vagina, but this is just funny...

To be mean and honest music is good. you requested to add me but unless i'm like on my ass impressed I've stopped adding musicians. You seem to have the talent but probably the lack of band (big fan of bass and drums) is making it sound a little not right. I realize i'm no big record label or important person but was impressed enough to comment. I've heard alot of acoustic acts before, your better than most, the shock factor is missing. If i was a I don't know like coach to those looking for more exposure I'd say throw in something impresive. Like a "saturday" from patrick stumph or some deep sexy spoken parts like john rzeznik or connor of bright eyes. My opinion was probably not what your were looking for when you went thru ppl of nashville to add but I couldn't just reject your request with out explanation.

Your a hotty and you have anuf ambition to at least make a myspace page so i think your a step above alot of musicians. Keep up the hard work. I'll keep an eye on you and maybe just maybe when you start playing shows (again?) I'll catch one to make a finally opinion.

Samantha


first off, for future reference, i don't take career advice from people who spell enough, "anuf". Second, if i ever put "deep sexy spoken parts" in my music, someone please for the love of god call me up and tell me what a douchebag i've become. finally, what musician 
doesn't have enough ambition to make a myspace page?!? that's like saying, well you had enough ambition to get out of bed this morning, so two kudos to you for that...that's ok, you can keep those kudos..you're gonna need all the kudos you can get to make up for your lack of spelling skills. 

ok, for real though, i'm just kidding around, everyone is entitled to their opinion, and i have nothing but respect for anyone that would take the time to give someone their opinion, even if its not what they wanted to hear. However, i 
am entitled to mock you pubicly for your opinion..

Friday, August 17, 2007

witches' titties...they're so damn cold! ..supposedly

I've never understood the saying, "its colder than a witch's titty in here". I'm like, a witch's titty is still a titty…I mean, a titty's a titty no matter which way you slice it. not that I'm advocating the slicing of titties, I'm just saying, titties are basically the same regardless of the personal religious beliefs of the person who possesses said titty. Unless there's a clause somewhere in the witch's black book of spells and incantations that states that upon a members conversion to the dark arts their titties will become cold to the touch. But given my admittedly limited knowledge of the fundamental tenets of witchery, as well as my lack of any witch's titty touching experience (although I still suspect I've dated a couple), I can't claim to have any authoritative position on this matter. Nor can I rightfully speculate as to the derivation of the saying in question. Unfortunately the knowledge of the temperature of a witch's titty may be forever confined to the hands of a witch and the witch's lover, and perhaps someone who happens to just brush up against a witch's titty in the condiments aisle of a crowded grocery store. The world may never know..

Sunday, May 20, 2007

an open letter to the hot girl at the park today..

dear hot girl I saw at the park today,

Ok, I admit that I may have mentioned in passing to the rest of my family that you were "hot" and that "I'd like to get your phone number." In fact, I spent most of the afternoon trying to get up the nerve to go talk to you, but opted not to for fear of looking like one of those guys who goes up and uses some lame pick-up line to talk to a cute girl (those guys really ruined things for the rest of us). I thought I might have had a chance when you and that little girl came up to pet my dog, but you ran off too quickly for me to think of something worth saying. 

For the record, the last thing I wanted was for my 4 year old neice to go up and tell you that i thought you were cute and to ask for your phone number. I swear I didn't ask her to do that. In fact, I didn't even know what was going on until I looked up and saw my neice talking to you and then watched as you burst into laughter. Did you 
have to laugh? It was embarrassing enough without that. 

As for the business card my neice so generously gave you, making it seem as if it were mine, I have NO idea where she got that, but thank you for giving it back so that I could be even more humiliated. I assure you, despite what the card says, I am not a balloon animal artist, a circus clown, or any of the other strange vocations listed on that business card. Just a word of advice: if, at some point in the future, you 
are hit on by someone who does magic tricks at kids birthday parties for a living, a second round of laughter would be totally uncalled for. If I were really in that line of work I would have been very offended.

On the matter of adultery, while I know that on "my" business card it mentioned what would appear to be my name along with my wife's name, I can assure you that I am not one of those creepy married guys who takes their ring off to go hit on girls at the park. I am, in fact, single and I would like to further reiterate the fact that that was NOT my business card. I have never, nor do I ever plan to don the garb of a circus clown for any reason. 

In conclusion, I'd just like to make it known that, despite what you told my neice, we all know you're much older than 17, and you should come up with a better line to reject guys. However, I understand that my dabbling in the circus arts might have been somewhat of a turnoff. Regardless, I'd just like to say that, for the most part, I'm a pretty normal single guy who has a pretty normal job. 

If there were a Jeopardy game about my life, this would fall into the category "things I'd like to forget." Trust me, that's the biggest category of all. 

best wishes.