dear hot girl I saw at the park today,
Ok, I admit that I may have mentioned in passing to the rest of my family that you were "hot" and that "I'd like to get your phone number." In fact, I spent most of the afternoon trying to get up the nerve to go talk to you, but opted not to for fear of looking like one of those guys who goes up and uses some lame pick-up line to talk to a cute girl (those guys really ruined things for the rest of us). I thought I might have had a chance when you and that little girl came up to pet my dog, but you ran off too quickly for me to think of something worth saying.
For the record, the last thing I wanted was for my 4 year old neice to go up and tell you that i thought you were cute and to ask for your phone number. I swear I didn't ask her to do that. In fact, I didn't even know what was going on until I looked up and saw my neice talking to you and then watched as you burst into laughter. Did you have to laugh? It was embarrassing enough without that.
As for the business card my neice so generously gave you, making it seem as if it were mine, I have NO idea where she got that, but thank you for giving it back so that I could be even more humiliated. I assure you, despite what the card says, I am not a balloon animal artist, a circus clown, or any of the other strange vocations listed on that business card. Just a word of advice: if, at some point in the future, you are hit on by someone who does magic tricks at kids birthday parties for a living, a second round of laughter would be totally uncalled for. If I were really in that line of work I would have been very offended.
On the matter of adultery, while I know that on "my" business card it mentioned what would appear to be my name along with my wife's name, I can assure you that I am not one of those creepy married guys who takes their ring off to go hit on girls at the park. I am, in fact, single and I would like to further reiterate the fact that that was NOT my business card. I have never, nor do I ever plan to don the garb of a circus clown for any reason.
In conclusion, I'd just like to make it known that, despite what you told my neice, we all know you're much older than 17, and you should come up with a better line to reject guys. However, I understand that my dabbling in the circus arts might have been somewhat of a turnoff. Regardless, I'd just like to say that, for the most part, I'm a pretty normal single guy who has a pretty normal job.
If there were a Jeopardy game about my life, this would fall into the category "things I'd like to forget." Trust me, that's the biggest category of all.